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We’ve definitely got some problems on the west side

Ann Coulter appears on Hannity & Colmes to respond to the controversy over her use of the word “faggot” to describe John Edwards

If you don’t laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed he car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

WEATHERFORD, Texas - Perhaps his $24 billion electric bill will teach Richard Redden not to leave the heat running. Thanks to a printing error, Redden and more than 1,300 Weatherford utility customers this week received billion-dollar electric bills marked as late notices.

Irving-bases DataProse, which prints customer bills for Weatherford Electric, said the company was embarrassed by the error.

“Obviously, this is not something we are pleased about,” said Curtis Nelson, DataProse vice president and general manager.

Weatherford Electric spokeswoman Pam Pearson said customers can expect their correct bills later this month. She said the company’s records were correct and showed the right balances.

“I know they raised the rates on kilowatt hours a little bit,” Redden said. “I guess we shouldn’t have run the heater quite so much this month.”

LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in the San Fernando Valley with her head shaved completely bald.

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Video on KABC-TV showed the newly shorn Spears with tiny tattoos on the back of her neck as she sits Friday night for a new tattoo — a pair of red and pink lips.

“She just wanted something real small on her wrist, something dainty,” Max Gott, the tattoo artist at Body and Soul in Sherman Oaks, told the TV station. “She got some cute little lips on her wrist.”

Derrik Snell, who works at the tattoo parlor, said Spears showed up without notice and stayed for about 90 minutes as about 60 fans, photographers and gawkers gathered outside.

“She seemed fine,” Snell said. “I didn’t really notice (the hairdo) at first, she had a hood on when she showed up.”

The appearance came the same day as reports on TV and Web sites that Spears, who has drawn criticism for her recent partying and sloppy behavior, had briefly checked into rehab.

Caught on tape: A FedEx truck jackknifes and careens right into a police car on Interstate 75 in Kentucky.

The tense scene of a shooting at Salt Lake City’s Trolley Square mall is caught on cameraphone by Jaron Dansie, a shopper who took cover in a store during the attack. Five people were killed and four were injured before gunman Sulejmen Talovic was killed by police.

Jack Cafferty’s classic snark is on full display when he pokes fun at Wolf Blitzer for CNN’s endless coverage of Anna Nicole’s death

A new dollar coin, paying tribute to American presidents, goes into general circulation Thursday. Even though doing away with the bill could save hundreds of millions of dollars each year in printing costs, there is no plan to scrap the bill in favor of the more durable coin.

The public can start getting the Washington dollars on Thursday from commercial banks that have placed orders with the Federal Reserve, which handles coin distribution for the Mint.

BOSTON - A Connecticut woman born to former slaves in the decades following the U.S. Civil War has become the world’s oldest person, at 114, according to Guinness World Records.

Emma Faust Tillman, born near Greensboro, North Carolina, on November 22, 1892, became the world’s oldest person on Wednesday, following the death of Emiliano Mercado del Toro, of Puerto Rico, Guinness said on its Web site.

Longevity is common in Tillman’s family. Though none of her 23 siblings have matched her 114 years, three sisters and a brother lived past 100, her great-nephew John Stewart Jr., said on Thursday.

“At 114, she’s lived a good, honorable, straight life,” said Stewart, who is 76. “Her comment is always, ‘If you want to know about longevity and why I lived so long, ask the man upstairs.”‘

Tillman, who lives in the Hartford, Connecticut, nursing home she moved to at the age of 110, was not available for an interview.

“Sometimes, she doesn’t feel like talking,” Stewart said. “But when you’re 114, you can call your own shots.”

Tillman never smoked, drank or wore eyeglasses, Stewart said.

Karen Chadderton, administrator of the Riverside Health and Rehabilitation Center, where Tillman lives, said until a few months ago Tillman spent much of her time caring for an ailing roommate more than 20 years her junior, who has since died.

“About a month ago, she started feeling less energetic,” said Chadderton. “During the morning she has energy, she’s up and about, in a wheelchair, but in the afternoon, once she goes to sleep, she doesn’t want to be bothered.”

According to the International Committee on Supercentenarians, there are currently 86 people aged 110 or older alive in the world today. Eighty of them are women.

The world’s next-oldest resident is Japan’s Yone Minagawa, born in 1893, according to the ICS. Guinness World Records said it is still investigating that claim.

BRUSSELS, Belgium - Authorities have opened a murder investigation into the death of a skydiver, saying they believe someone tampered with her parachute in an apparent fight over a lover.

Els Van Doren, 37, fell 13,000 feet to her death last November after her parachute and emergency chute failed to open.

A fellow female skydiver was detained for questioning last week and is the “prime suspect” in the investigation, prosecutor Michel Zegers said Wednesday. No charges have been filed.

Investigators believe Van Doren and the suspect, who belonged to the same parachute club, also dated the same man, a Dutch national identified as “Marcel.”

News reports say the suspect killed Van Doren in a jealous rage after learning Van Doren had an affair with her boyfriend.

“I believe we can call this a crime of passion,” Zegers said.

A court date is set for Feb. 16 in the eastern city of Tongeren to assess the evidence.

Van Doren had jumped from a plane with three others, including the suspect and the Dutch boyfriend. She crashed to her death at 130 mph near Opglabbeek, a small town in central Belgium.

Police have video footage of the fateful jump _ taken by Van Doren herself as she tried desperately to open her parachute.

At her funeral, some 1,000 people heard her sister deliver a bitter eulogy. “You did all you could during that final jump to save yourself,” she was quoted as saying in the Belgian press. “But someone did not want you to live.”

Police said someone with extensive skydiving expertise had tampered with Van Doren’s parachutes.

The main suspect initially escaped attention during a first round of police questioning. She became a suspect in December when she attempted suicide hours before she was to make a second statement to police.

SYDNEY, Jan 23 - An Australian abalone diver told rescuers he was partly swallowed head-first by a Great White Shark on Tuesday but managed to fight his way free, suffering a broken nose and bite marks around the chest.

Diver Eric Nerhus, 41, was underwater with his 25-year-old son and other divers off Cape Howe, near Eden on Australia’s southeast coast, when the 3 meter (10 foot) shark attacked.

Rescuers earlier mistakenly reported his age as 25.

“He stated that he was head-first into the shark,” a spokeswoman for Snowy Hydro SouthCare rescue service told Reuters after airlifting the diver to hospital.

“When he came to us he was conscious and alert but had a broken nose and lacerations to both sides of his torso and chest — bite marks all the way around,” the spokeswoman said.

Nerhus told fellow divers he didn’t see the shark coming as the water was so dirty that visibility was severely limited.

“It was black. He didn’t see it coming, but he felt the bite and then started getting shaken, and that’s when he knew he was in the mouth of the shark,” said local diver Michael Mashado.

The shark bit Nerhus around the head first, crushing his face mask and breaking his nose, fellow diver and friend Dennis Luobikis told Reuters.

NOTHING BUT THE VEST

“He was actually bitten by the head…the shark swallowed his head,” said Luobikis, adding a second bite by the shark saw it clench its jaw around Nerhus’ torso.

“The brunt of the bite was taken by his lead-weight vest. Its all over your torso. Eric said to me at the wharf that his weight vest saved him,” he said.

Abalone divers spend sometimes 6 to 8 hours underwater and use lead weight vests, not lead belts, to stay down. The vests spread the lead weight across the body, minimising back strain.

Nerhus fought frantically to free himself from the shark’s jaws and was eventually pulled back aboard his boat by his son.

“He pushed his abalone chisel into its head while it was biting and it let him go and swam away,” said Luobikis.

Luobikis said it was a miracle his friend had lived.

“Eric is a tough boy, he’s super fit. But I would say that would test anyone’s resolve, being a fish lunch,” he said.

Attacks by Great White Sharks are usually fatal because of the massive size of the predators, which breed in Australia’s cold southern waters, and the sheer force of their bites.

Sharks, including Great Whites, are protected in Australia.

Australia has had a number of shark attacks in the past year.

In December, a surfer off the southern coast survived an attack with minor injuries, while a 15-year-old boy swimming off a remote southwest beach had his leg bitten.

Last January, a scuba diver off the Western Australian city of Perth survived an attack by a Great White after fighting it off with his speargun and then his hands.

A 21-year-old woman died last January after she was attacked by three sharks while swimming off an island on Australia’s northeast coast. She lost both forearms and suffered wounds to the legs and torso.

The U.S. state of Florida annually records by far the most shark attacks.

Between 1990 and 2005 there were 341 shark attacks off Florida, according to the U.S.-based International Shark Attack File, www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/Sharks/ISAF/ISAF.htm.

Over the same period, Australia reported 74 attacks, South Africa 72, Brazil 62 and Hawaii 57.

BANGKOK, Thailand — Chuang Chuang the Panda is just too heavy to have sex. Thai authorities have put him on a strict diet as part of a long-running campaign to get him to mate with female partner Lin Hui at the Chiang Mai Zoo in northern Thailand.

“Chuang Chuang is gaining weight too fast and we found Lin Hui is no longer comfortable with having sex with him,” said the zoo’s chief veterinarian, Kanika Limtrakul, adding that Chuang Chuang weighed 331 pounds while Lin Hui is only 253 pounds.

As a result, zoo authorities are cutting out bamboo shoots in the daily meal for Chuang Chuang and giving the obese bear only bamboo leaves, Kanika said.

The diet plan is the latest in an unsuccessful and often strange campaign by zoo officials to get the two bears to mate.

They have held a mock wedding, announced plans to separate the two to spark a little romance and even talked of introducing panda porn — videos of other pandas mating — to get the pair in the mood.

Thailand rented Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui from China for $250,000 in October 2003 for 10 years. They are expected to generate millions of dollars in revenues from Thai and foreign tourists.

A frustrated news anchor drops the f-bomb live on air UVUG loves these local news guys….