Underground Video Users Group - UVUG.com

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it
is.” Boy - “I have a baseball.” Man - “That’s nice.” Boy - “Want to buy
it?” Man - “No, thanks.” Boy - “My dad’s outside.” Man - “OK, how much?”
Boy - “$250″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - “Dark in here.” Man - “Yes, it is.” Boy - “I
have a baseball glove.” The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
“How much?” Boy - “$750″ Man - “Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my
baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy -”$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take
you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit
again, you’re in my closet now.”

Through the kitchen window a farmer’s wife sees her
son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood,
and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a
little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his
mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For
kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon for a week, and
for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.”
Just at that moment, the boy’s father walks through
the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, “Do you wanna
tell him, or should I ?”

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn’t).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He’s out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days… For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven’t
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For
her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s
birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet.”
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, “medium.”

Then the waiter said, “how about your vegetable?” Hillary replied, “Oh, he can order for himself.”