Underground Video Users Group - UVUG.com

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!”

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!”

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and
start toasting and cheering, “51 days! 51 Days!!” About five minutes later,
another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a
Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and
starts cheering with the others, “51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to
discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of
the blondes and asks, “What on earth are you doing??” “Well,” the blonde says,
“everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of
this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day’s
activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his
actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good
moral side and that of his mischievous side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says
“don’t worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” The man
tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says “don’t worry
about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients.” Feeling somewhat
relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time
another voice in head says, “but you’re a veterinarian.”

A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or
female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,” Well God is both male and
female.”

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This further confuses the boy so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this the boy’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly
asks…

“Is God Michael Jackson?”

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five
dollars!” The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ‘’Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties.”
‘’OOOOhhhh'’ said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, “Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.”
The mother replied: “Didn’t I tell you that he is…'’
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ‘’Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn’t wear any panties today.'’