Underground Video Users Group - UVUG.com

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there’s no fuckin` way I can pass that test.”

A cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light next to a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says, “Did Santa get you that bike?”
“Yeah,” says the kid.
The cop says, “Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike,” and issues the kid a $20 ticket.
Before he rides off, the kids says, “Hey, did Santa get you you that horse?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, sure he did.”
The kid says, “Well next year, tell Santa to put the giant dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s
roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, “Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle.

You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said,

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I’m not saying that you “did”
take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you
“did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Jennifer,
I’m not saying that you “do not”sleep with Jennifer. But the fact
remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

There are two statues in a park;
one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,

when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,

with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them,

“As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,

you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she
looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left,

“Would you care to do it again?”

He asks her. “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies,

“Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.

This time,
I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”