Underground Video Users Group - UVUG.com

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars.

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, “Where’s the 10 million you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney , “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?”

“Yes, of course,” she replies.

“Well, I would have been released tonight.”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

“Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.

“Yes,” she replies. “You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies.

“Correct,” says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place.”

Overseas Tease

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

“My darling,” he writes, “it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.”

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. “Darling” he says, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!”

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. “First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica.”

Corey incoherently talks about his struggles with addiction.

Some totally ripped girl from Ohio State interrupts a news reporter doing a location segment.

Tigger is in trouble at Disney World for punching some kid in the face. Allegedly.

A spoiled teenager throws a hissy fit when her parents buy her a new car and it’s the wrong color.

She makes headlines for getting a parking ticket, newspapers comment on her fashion choices, and her 25th birthday Tuesday is generating a media storm.

Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, may one day become queen of England. Before then, she is undergoing the ordeal seemingly demanded of royal wannabes since Lady Diana Spencer began dating Prince Charles more than a quarter-century ago.

A frenzy is building around Middleton — fueled, perhaps, by a large dose of wishful thinking from the press and public.

Pictures of the brunette fashion buyer, who has dated William since both were university students, fetch thousands of dollars from the tabloid press. Paparazzi follow her to work, on shopping trips and on nights out with the prince. One recent, widely published snapshot showed Middleton receiving a ticket from a parking warden outside her London home.

The retail chain Woolworths has commissioned Wills-and-Kate engagement memorabilia, despite the absence of any evidence that a betrothal announcement is imminent.

“It would be more of a surprise now if they split than if they marry,” said Robert Jobson, author of the recently published book, “William’s Princess.” “I think it’s only a matter of time before this role of princess in waiting is changed to being a real princess and maybe one day queen consort.” British bookmaking firm William Hill says it is so certain William will pop the question, it has stopped taking bets on whether the pair will get engaged — only on the date.

“We’re certain they will — it’s a question of when, not if,” said spokesman Rupert Adams.

William Hill said it is a 4-5 probability the pair will announce their engagement in 2007, and is offering 3-1 odds they will marry this year.

The prince and Middleton have dated since they were both students at St. Andrews University in Scotland, and were first photographed together on a skiing holiday shortly before their graduation in 2005.

There have been persistent reports in recent weeks that the two may soon announce their engagement.

Born in the commuter town of Reading, west of London, Middleton — unlike most previous royal consorts — is a quintessentially middle-class Englishwoman. Her father worked for an airline and her mother was a flight attendant; they now run a mail-order business specializing in children’s parties.

As a high school student she attended an elite private school, where she played tennis and field hockey, before studying art history at St. Andrews. She and William shared a student house in the seaside university town.

Amid the spiraling media interest, Middleton, and the royal family, want to avoid a repeat of the paparazzi hounding endured by William’s mother, Princess Diana.

Preliminary hearings for an inquest into Diana’s death in a 1997 car crash opened at London’s Royal Courts of Justice on Monday.

Middleton is older, and perhaps better prepared for media scrutiny, than Diana, who was just 19 when she began dating Prince Charles. The pair married in 1981, in a fairy-tale ceremony at St. Paul’s Cathedral watched by an estimated 700 million people around the world.

Middleton’s lawyers have complained to newspaper editors, requesting she be left alone, and British newspapers have recently reported that she is to be given a round-the-clock guard from the police royal protection squad — a key sign of inclusion in the royal circle.

The royal family appears to be quietly easing Middleton into its public events, as well. Last month, she was in attendance, along with the queen, when William, 24, graduated from Sandhurst military academy. He has since joined the Blues and Royals, an elite cavalry regiment. “The queen was there, yet Kate stole the limelight,” Jobson said. “The fact they allowed her to do that signaled intent. It shows that this is a very serious relationship. It’s not a frivolous one.”

FERNDALE, Pa. — A western Pennsylvania man is trying to solve a mystery that recently landed in his mailbox: a letter mailed more than 50 years ago and addressed to a Frederick Zane Yost.

The letter, with a 3-cent stamp and postmarked Oct. 26, 1954, was encased in a large Postal Service window envelope. There is a return address — in nearby Richland Township — but no sender’s name.

Brian McAteer said that the letter appears to be sealed and has not been damaged, and that he will not open it. However, he hasn’t had any luck finding Yost. Among his efforts have been to contact Yosts in the area, speak with longtime residents and search on the Internet.

“I haven’t given up trying to find him,” McAteer, a road foreman, told the Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown.

The newspaper reported that its archives show Yost’s parents, both of whom are dead, lived in Ferndale in 1954. His father was a sports editor at the newspaper, which reported that the younger Yost had moved to Florida.

Tad Kelley, a spokesman for the Postal Service in Pittsburgh, said he could not comment specifically on the letter without investigating.

“Sometimes pieces of mail do get lost behind equipment or transporting equipment. … It is infrequent, but every once in a blue moon, it does happen,” Kelley said. “No matter how old it is, we will deliver it.”

Ferndale is about 65 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

An attorney for Paris Hilton entered not guilty pleas on her behalf Tuesday to charges of misdemeanor driving under the influence.

Hilton, 25, wasn’t required to appear in court.

She was arrested in Hollywood in September. Police said they saw her “driving erratically” and pulled her over for a field sobriety test.

The judge set a pretrial hearing for Jan. 23 and said the trial must begin by Feb. 23.

If convicted as a first-time offender, Hilton would likely face a fine, enrollment in an alcohol-rehabilitation program and a possible license suspension, according to prosecutors.

Hilton has starred with sometime-friend Nicole Richie in the reality TV show “The Simple Life.”

Richard J. Hewett never heard “You’re fired!” — but he’s suing Donald Trump anyway.

The rejected applicant for NBC’s “The Apprentice” is suing the real estate mogul, claiming he was turned away because of age discrimination.

Hewett was 49 when he was rejected in July 2005, and claims in his lawsuit filed last week in U.S. District Court that only two of the finalists covering six seasons have been over 40. He alleges Trump and the show’s producers are in violation of the federal Age Discrimination in Employment Act.

“People watching it get the impression that if you want to work for a big organization like the Trump Organization you have to be young,” Hewett told The Associated Press in a phone interview Monday. He’s seeking unspecified damages.

“The Apprentice” pits entrepreneurial-minded people against each other, with Trump firing contestants over a period of weeks until one is “hired” into a high-paying job in one of his companies. The new season of the reality show premiered Sunday night.

Hewett, who lives in Hampstead, N.H., is employed as a technology manager for a commercial real estate company. He wouldn’t reveal the name of the company. His lawsuit named Trump, the Trump Organization Inc., Trump Productions, producer Mark Burnett, Mark Burnett Productions and three affiliated California companies. NBC isn’t named as a defendant.

Trump, in statement released by his spokesman, disputed Hewett’s claims. “We have had very few people over a certain age apply to be on the show,” said Trump, the show’s executive director. “If they did and we liked them, we would love to cast them on the show.”

Trump spokesman Jim Dowd said a “minuscule percentage” of the more than 1 million applicants has been over 40. The finalists have ranged in age from 21 to 41, he said.

A representative of Burnett and his company didn’t immediately return a call.

“The outcome I’m looking for would be to see a recognition on their part that it’s in everyone’s interest to expand the diversity of the candidates on the show,” Hewett said.