Underground Video Users Group - UVUG.com

One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I
should see a doctor.”

His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store
that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell
you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample
and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various
lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of
paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how
it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine
could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample
and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed
out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get
him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation
clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a
lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, “I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me
the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”

“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her,
and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move 5 feet closer and say it
again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her
deafness.”

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He
started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some
vegetables.

He said, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He
moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and
asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replied, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn
this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about.
You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another
question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a
subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s
house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s
conversation.

The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s
driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you
everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I
know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a
divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”